Dear NED*, Please Be My Valentine

So, this year’s colonoscopy was originally scheduled for about four weeks ago, but my doc’s office called to reschedule it. One of the alternate dates offered was Valentine’s Day, which appealed to my admittedly twisted sense of humor. Which goes with my twisted colon, a fact about which my doc informed me the last time we talked. Last year’s colonoscopy yielded a crop of several polyps, one of which was cancerous. Stage Zero. Non-invasive. No, not ‘pre-cancerous,’ according to my doc. Actually cancerous. It and its benign mates were completely removed during the colonoscopy, so no further treatment was needed. I got to have a sort of speed-dating version of my breast cancer adventure when I got that news a year ago.

My, how time flies. Here we are, a year later already, and I am eating white, non-fibrous food two days before the festivities, and have already begun drinking my Gatorade-cum-Miralax refreshment, which I have to drink for two days, not one, because I have a twisted colon. In the spirit of romance, I’m drinking it out of a champagne flute. And I’m wondering if there’s some sort of Valentine’s Day protocol for an exchange of greetings between oneself and one’s gastroenterologist when one is having a colonoscopy. Do I give him flowers? Does he give them to me? What about the anaesthesiologist? I rate one of those this year because last year, I woke up during the crucial part feeling like I was being kicked by a Clydesdale.

Well, I don’t know, and Dear Abbey is no longer around to ask about this. So, I’ve designed a little greeting card that I would like to receive from my doc afterwards. Could be adapted to whatever test results you’re waiting for. Meanwhile, fingers crossed. I’ll update this post when I get The Word.

*NED stands for ‘No Evidence of Disease,’ a phrase we savor in Cancerland.

UPDATE, 2/15/13. I did not get my wish. A new crop of polyps was found and removed, and a teeny ulcer was biopsied. The little rat bastards have been sent to the path lab. The teeny ulcer, I was told, was likely caused by the prep itself. The polyps, no matter what they turn out to be, are gone, hopefully with clear margins. If any turn out to be positive again, I will likely be having another colonoscopy way sooner than I’d like (which would be never, but I know that’s a pipe dream). Thanks for the support, peeps. I’ll keep you posted. I may have to wait a week to hear the results. *sigh*

This entry was written by Kathi, posted on Tuesday, February 12, 2013 at 04:02 pm, filed under Diagnosis, Recurrence, Screening and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink . Post a comment below or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

8 Responses to “Dear NED*, Please Be My Valentine”

  1. I love your humor Kathi.. Sending a big hug and lots <3 <3 <3'S

  2. Kathi,

    I have a feeling there will be some interesting conversation between you and your medical team on the day of this procedure! Like usual you are approaching this with your usual wit, humor and creative abilities.

    Seriously though, I know from firsthand experience this is an unpleasant experience and I also know waiting for the results will bring you more than a few anxious moments. What medical test doesn’t after hearing “those words”? Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you. xoxo

  3. Oh this made me laugh! Not b/c you have to endure another one of these fun procedures, but b/c of your ability to find the humor, as always. You are awesome.

    I have drunk from the chalice of the colonoscopy pre-prep, and I love the image of your using a champagne flute in which to imbibe. I will have to remember that for my next one!

    Hand in there.

  4. Thanks, everyone. It would be grand to nab the doc afterwards & have him tell me there were no polyps, no nothing.

    Meanwhile, I have my last quart of my Gatorade cocktail to consume this evening…lordy, the noises one’s innards can make!!

  5. Now that’s a good way to receive NED news. It must be a jittery time pre-examine – I wish you sound sleeping and clear results! Please keep us updated. Oh, and I like that touch of class with the champagne glasses!


  6. dear kathi,

    i hope you get the all clear to go dancing with dear, dear NED. and when you do, you can treat yourself to a magnum of champagne – you might even want to guzzle it right out of the bottle! isn’t the waiting nerve wracking??!! good you were able to write with such humor and hopefulness – LOVE the valentine.

    much love, XOXO,

    karen, TC

  7. […] advocating that we become more aware of the environmental causes of breast cancer while Kathi has a special Valentine’s wish this year.  Elaine is still writing her haiku each day; The […]

  8. So clever; I love the greeting card. Hopefully you were NED; I’ll read your next entry and find out. That shit that one has to drink before the colonoscopy is pretty gross, isn’t it?

    Twisted colon. You’re twisted, sister.


Leave a Reply